I beg to differ.

I have stopped looking for love twice. And both times it has ended with me in tears and heartbroken.

The first, my ex husband. I had stopped looking for love when I met him. I had gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship and just couldn’t really fathom being in another relationship. I met him in college, the way you’re “supposed” to meet someone. He sat in front of me in Accounting 101. We spent the 5 week course flirting outrageously. That flirting led to casual dating and within in a couple of months it led to love. We were together 6 months when he proposed. We were married a year later. Four months into the marriage things started to fall apart. We held it together and even reconnected during our first anniversary. Six months later he wanted a divorce. No explanations save that he was “unhappy”. I still don’t know what I did wrong there.

I dated a few times after our divorce. I went out on several first dates. After a date with a man who was more brawn than brain who told me *on* the date that he had a kid on the way I decided again that I was no longer looking for love.

Then I met Marty. The thing is that I never even had a date with Marty. I met him in the most unconventional of ways. We met in a gaming community and became good friends. I reached out to him when it seemed like something was really bothering him. We became close and started to game together every night. Through the gaming we started having all those deep meaningful conversations two people destined to “fall in love” have. He was supposedly planning to leave Canada and move to America. The problem is Marty had a girlfriend. He never made that a secret. But things with her were deteriorating, or so he said. Then she found out about us. She sent me some interesting messages on MSN and the next morning he told me he was going to stay with a friend and that she was moving out by the following week. He said he loved me. About 12 hours later he contacted me and told me to never contact him again.

Marty had been everything I ever thought I wanted in a man. He wanted the same things as me. Clearly I was fooled. I can tolerate being called many things. I’ve heard it all. But I absolutely detest being a fool. And that’s what he’s made me to be.

So that’s why a the ripe old age of 26 I’ve closed the door on love. Not so that I can be surprised when 6 months later I meet the proverbial man of my dreams. No. I’m just done. I’m done with being built up, being disappointed. I’m tired of the promises, the dreams. I’m tired of the heartbreak, the tears. I’m just done with all of it. I know I’m a good catch by many standards but this love thing seems to continue to evade me. So now I’m going to evade it.

How could I not fall for a guy who says things like that? Things have been a bit rocky in his home life the last two days and we’ve had limited contact. It made me stressed out and anxious to not hear from  him. But last night as I was going to a friend’s house I saw the moonlight shining through the dark night and I felt peace.

Your loving makes me high
And I want to feel
You so deep inside

Bend me over and make me yours
Grip my body tight
And I feel your teeth on my skin

Your loving makes me high
And I want to feel
You so deep inside

Push me up against the wall
Overwhelm me with your power
Control my body now

Your loving makes me high
And I want to feel
You so deep inside

At what point do you spill the dark secrets of your past?

Or are these things better left in our hearts?

I ask these questions because I truly don’ know. I think there are many instances where telling someone the whole truth isn’t necessary. Like I don’t think it is my lover’s business how many others I have been with. I have no interest in his “number” and I don’t expect him to care about mine. It’s him I am with and him I am faithful to. That should be the end of that discussion.

But there are other things, deeper things, more tragic thigns. Things that we don’t even like to think of ourselves that are a big part of who we are. I have many skeletons in my closet but there is one that stands out in my mind. It was one event that changed my life forever. It changed the way I think about things, especially in the future.

As I have mentioned there is someone who has recently entered my life in a most unexpected way. He does’t know about this shameful past of mine and while he insists he has his own sins that are undisclosed I fear that this may be different.

So what do you say? Do you spill your heart to the one you love or are there things you keep locked away?

I know it all sounds so silly and trivial and impossible. But I’ve really started to have feelings for this guy. We’re so similar but there are some very big differences that could keep us apart if our relationship took that path. Right now we’re content to flirt and be there for each other when the things in our lives break us down. But a tiny part of me wonders if he’s feeling the same things that I am. If he thinks that it might be possible for there to be something between us.

I know that when I’m not talking to him, I’m thinking about him. I worry about him and I hope that the things going on in his world are ok. I feel like a teenager again thinking this way and talking this way. I know that I’m eager to find love and be loved and that I could be projecting that on to this relationship with him. But in my heart I know he’s special. I guess time will tell.

I hate what I see when I look at myself in the mirror. I hate the physical. I hate the slow, fat body that stands there uncomfortably. I know there is much I could do to erase it and quickly as well. I just choose not to. Why? Because I want a man to love me and want me for what’s on the inside. But what man would love this grotesque version of me?

I was slender when I met my ex-husband and he fell for me quickly. But even from an early stage it was all about the physical. I’m so fucking tired of the physical. Why will men not listen to me? I know I have a lot to offer but where as they couldn’t see past my tits and ass before now they won’t look past the pounds that I’ve packed on the last 3 months.

I hate everything about this me. I hate the feeling insecure, I hate the lonliness, I hate the fat, I hate the thin. I just hate me.

I’ve been doing this sporadically since my divorce and I’ve gone on a few dates. I know that my ex husband found his girlfriend on a website so I figure if it can work for him it can work for me. Well I’m beginning to think it has worked.

The last few days I’ve been chatting with the most adorable man. He’s funny, sweet and incredibly good looking. It’s beginning to give me a complex because he’d be by far the best looking guy I’ve ever gone out with. I keep thinking he’s way too hot for me and that he’d be better off with some skinny super model type but for whatever reason he’s interested in me.

I think I have a crush.

Now that neither of those things are true, I’ve focused on making myself happy. And he’s done the same thing. He’s found happiness in his education and in a new girlfriend. He once said he wanted the feel of a woman who would make him forget. He has that now. He’s found happiness and possibly love. And instead of being upset and bitter I am happy for him. I never wished him ill and even on the day of our divorce I wished him love.

Of course I wish the same things for myself while I know he doesn’t wish them for me. I do wish for the feel of a man who will make me forget all the pain and the hurt and the sorrow but until that happens, if it happens, I’m content to merely surround myself with friends and family.

I’ve learned a great deal this year and the thing that stands out most in my mind is that finding contentment within myself is the only way to truly be happy.

Now granted my situation may be different as my ex and I maintained a good friendship for many months following our separation and divorce. And I suppose if I have anything to be bitter about it’s the loss of that friendship. But I’m not bitter. To be honest I’m really not even that angry. It simply isn’t worth it.

There are several women that I follow on Twitter who are all divorced and they talk frequently about their divorces, their exes and the new guys they’re dating. I know it’s only natural but it seems that they bitch about every little detail of their ex-husbands. I’ve never once called my ex out for the crap he pulled while we were married. But they seem to do it all the time.

Is it heartbreak? Is it bitterness? In truth it’s probably both. Maybe it says something about the quality of my marriage that I’m not bitter about it. But I’m not. Life goes on. I know now that my ex wasn’t the one I was meant to spend my life with and I merely go about my day. Sure, I get down and I get depressed. But I’ve learned to let go. I wish that’s a lesson I could teach them.