Not For Me
They say that when you stop looking for love that’s when it will find you.
I beg to differ.
I have stopped looking for love twice. And both times it has ended with me in tears and heartbroken.
The first, my ex husband. I had stopped looking for love when I met him. I had gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship and just couldn’t really fathom being in another relationship. I met him in college, the way you’re “supposed” to meet someone. He sat in front of me in Accounting 101. We spent the 5 week course flirting outrageously. That flirting led to casual dating and within in a couple of months it led to love. We were together 6 months when he proposed. We were married a year later. Four months into the marriage things started to fall apart. We held it together and even reconnected during our first anniversary. Six months later he wanted a divorce. No explanations save that he was “unhappy”. I still don’t know what I did wrong there.
I dated a few times after our divorce. I went out on several first dates. After a date with a man who was more brawn than brain who told me *on* the date that he had a kid on the way I decided again that I was no longer looking for love.
Then I met Marty. The thing is that I never even had a date with Marty. I met him in the most unconventional of ways. We met in a gaming community and became good friends. I reached out to him when it seemed like something was really bothering him. We became close and started to game together every night. Through the gaming we started having all those deep meaningful conversations two people destined to “fall in love” have. He was supposedly planning to leave Canada and move to America. The problem is Marty had a girlfriend. He never made that a secret. But things with her were deteriorating, or so he said. Then she found out about us. She sent me some interesting messages on MSN and the next morning he told me he was going to stay with a friend and that she was moving out by the following week. He said he loved me. About 12 hours later he contacted me and told me to never contact him again.
Marty had been everything I ever thought I wanted in a man. He wanted the same things as me. Clearly I was fooled. I can tolerate being called many things. I’ve heard it all. But I absolutely detest being a fool. And that’s what he’s made me to be.
So that’s why a the ripe old age of 26 I’ve closed the door on love. Not so that I can be surprised when 6 months later I meet the proverbial man of my dreams. No. I’m just done. I’m done with being built up, being disappointed. I’m tired of the promises, the dreams. I’m tired of the heartbreak, the tears. I’m just done with all of it. I know I’m a good catch by many standards but this love thing seems to continue to evade me. So now I’m going to evade it.
